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It's All About The Package

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By D'ANN LAWRENCE WHITE | The Tampa Tribune

Published: December 6, 2006

Brandon, FL - Brandon, FL - My grandmother's coveted Christmas gifts were always shoved way beneath the Christmas tree where they'd wait until late Christmas morning to be shorn of their tacky wrapping paper sealed with miles of Scotch tape.

My brother, sister and I always saved my grandmother's gifts for last after we'd satisfied ourselves that our wish lists had been met – that my sister had gotten her transistor radio, the Beatles' White Album and her penny loafers; I had my Easy-Bake Oven and Little Kiddle dolls; and my brother had his new baseball glove and Matchbox cars.

Now it was time to see what surprises my grandmother had in store for us.

My grandmother, Edith Wilhelm Barton, was one of the funniest people I've ever met. I like to think I got my sense of humor from her. My grandmother, who we called Nana Ree, was model-gorgeous and had this regal bearing that made people assume she was haughty and unapproachable. But spend a little time with her and you'd soon know better. She was wacky and eccentric, and she didn't mind if anyone knew it.

She especially loved saying or doing something to embarrass my oh-so-proper father in public, making us kids laugh hysterically. In fact, making us laugh was one of her favorite pastimes.
When we weren't able to spend Christmas with Nana Ree in Dallas, she'd pack up gifts to send us, not bothering to ask us what we might want.

She knew Santa would bring us what we wanted. Her job was to entertain us. I'm really not sure what kind of thought process went into her bizarre choices, but we always were delighted when we opened her gifts.

Generally, when it came to me and my sister, my grandmother's theme was tacky. I could just imagine her scoping out yard sales and Goodwill stores for the gaudiest jewelry and knick-knacks she could find, laughing to herself when she spotted an enormous enamel brooch in the shape of a daisy or a large pink plastic bead necklace with matching bracelet.

We laughed so hard we cried when my sister pulled out a set of ceramic mother and puppy poodles attached by a chain.

As if they weren't bad enough, the mother poodle's head had been broken off and glued back on.

I still have the faux diamond tiara she sent me one year. I don it and become "Princess D'Ann" whenever I crave attention.

It's my husband's cue that I need a little extra TLC.

Sandy Farmer wouldn't have looked askance if Nana Ree had walked into one of her UPS stores with her Christmas packages.

The owner of the UPS franchises on Bloomingdale Avenue, Lithia-Pinecrest Road at Bloomingdale and State Road 60 at Parsons Avenue, Farmer has seen just about everything in her years with UPS. Farmer, general manager Allison Packlick and their employees have a bulletin board filled with photos of unusual items they've packaged over the years.

"We call it our memorial wall," said Farmer. "It's filled with pictures of all the weird stuff we've seen."

Like Nana Ree, some people will go to any extremes to bring smiles to the faces of those they love.

Farmer recalls one customer who had a friend who'd been very ill. The two of them had caught and stuffed a 60-pound catfish and the customer wanted to send it to his friend to cheer him up.

"It was really difficult to pack because of the little whiskers on the catfish," she said. "They were very delicate and we didn't want to break any off."

To Farmer's relief, the catfish and its whiskers made it to the sick friend intact, and the friend was overjoyed.

She wonders if the reaction was the same when another customer decided to send a massive boar's head taxidermy gift to a friend.

"Just handling it was creepy," she said. "Those beady little eyes kept looking at me." While the friend may have appreciated it, Farmer wonders about the friend's wife.

One of the most challenging and yet most rewarding shipments was a miniature motocross motorcycle that needed to get to California in three days so a 6-year-old boy would have it for Christmas.

"We ended up shipping it standing up on its rear tire," she said. "I don't know what they paid to get it there on time but, according to the customer, it was well worth it when that little boy saw it beneath the Christmas tree."

Then there are the more poignant requests, the ones that bring tears to Farmer's eyes, like the father who brought in the large shadow box containing photographs, military medals and other memorabilia of his son who was killed in the War on Terrorism.

He wanted to send it to his son's widow.

As Farmer and her employees prepare for the two major holiday shipping days, Dec. 11 and 18, when boxes will be stacked ceiling high in all three of her stores, she said it's the kindness of her customers and the humorous moments that help relieve the tension of the busy holiday season.

"The drivers will be tired from working nonstop and then all of a sudden a toy in one of the boxes will start singing and we'll all start laughing," she said.

So far, she said, they've yet to encounter the hysterical laughter of a TMX Elmo, one of this year's top-10 toys. But Farmer has no doubt the UPS drivers will be well-acquainted with the toy's familiar phrase, "Give Elmo a break, please," by the end of the holiday season.

D'Ann White is editor of The Brandon News.

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