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Required Reading For Single Moms

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By Dawn Zamanis

Published: April 17, 2007

Having a baby is in no way a small decision. It is a life-altering, monumental one, whether you choose to become a mother with or without a partner.

If you plan to go it alone, ladies, take heed from a woman who has done just that-with five children.
I became a single mother by circumstance, not by choice. I was married for more than 12 years to the same man and was blessed with five amazing, beautiful sons.

My last two, (identical twin boys), are now 8. My oldest son is 14. There are two more in between and, all in all, I'd say I've managed pretty well by the grace of God.

I saw signs early on that my marriage was headed for doom. After doing all I could to salvage any shred of matrimonial harmony that might have endured, I dove headfirst into motherhood and haven't come up for air yet.

In retrospect, I admit I was hiding behind the façade of motherhood. If I were good at motherhood, then I wasn't a failure, even if my marriage was.

At first single motherhood took some getting used to. As freeing as it was to be away from an unhealthy situation, it was equally overwhelming to have five mouths to feed on my own while juggling freelance work, a move into a new home in a new neighborhood, registering at three new schools for the kids and making new friends for both my kids and myself.

I honestly felt I had no room for failure when it came to mothering. I realize now that was unrealistic.
I have learned that there are inescapable truths to single motherhood. You will unquestionably lose yourself for long periods of time -- sometimes years -- forgetting things such as the type of music you enjoy, what foods you like to eat or what movies you used to enjoy.

Some days you will have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning because your mind is kaput and you just don't see how you'll get through another day. You'll have trouble choosing an outfit to wear because it will all seem so trite compared to the massive responsibility of raising children.
It's not a role to take on lightly.

My advice to women considering motherhood without a partner is this: Make sure you are not planning your escape back to the office while simultaneously peeking at your home pregnancy test stick.
Why become a single mother at all if you are already yearning for the day when you slip into those business suits and race to your office cubicle minutes after you've farmed your kid out to the day-care center?. Whether that day-care center is Ivy League, your child is away from you eight to 10 hours each day.

Millions of today's kids are being raised by the school system, day-care centers, and facilities catering to single working moms.

But day-care workers will never love your child the way you would. Morals and values and love are the ultimate keys to a good foundation when raising decent, confident, happy children.

If you must work, as most single mothers do, be creative and find a way to be with your child for more than two hours in the evening. Or, better yet, don't have a child at all until you have figured out what will be best for the child you plan to have.

Wake up, ladies. It's not about you. It's not about fitting in or needing to feel like a woman, or having a trophy baby and a Prada diaper bag to show off at Mommy & Me. If that's what you're aiming for, you're barking up the wrong family tree.

You must sacrifice, make life-altering changes and hand wash 15 blouses each week that are splattered with projectile vomit. You must know what a DPT shot is. You must be prepared for anything and everything. You must be proficient in multitasking or you are dead in the water.

If you've reached that point where you've arrived at a formal affair dressed to the nines, with baby in tow, and suddenly realize you're wearing your bra on the outside of your evening gown, and then realize you don't care one iota, congratulations. You have graduated to motherhood and can handle anything with grace and indifference.

It's all about sacrifice, love and making absolute certain you do all you can to fill your child with all the love his heart can hold.

Nothing should take precedence over your child. Nothing.

Dawn Zamanis is a Valrico resident and the mother of five sons. She has been a freelance writer for national magazines and news publications and can be contacted through thebrandonnews@mediageneral.com.

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